In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I sat curled up in bed binge watching romance movies joined by a box of chocolates and a glass of red wine. I’ve always been a lover of love, and I think many of us desire to find that one day.
But for many, that excitement is also met with fear. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), one in three women and one in four men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. It’s hard to think that you or a loved one could be the one that makes up these statistics.
Family Abuse Services of Alamance County provides services for support and legal assistance for those that experience abuse in relationships. “Typically, what we see is that there are multiple dimensions to what someone is experiencing,” said Shannon Smith, volunteer court navigator program coordinator at FAS. “We look at our clients’ overall needs and not just what is immediate so that we can help them in the best way possible.”
So why doesn’t the victim just leave the situation? This is a question people tend to ask. According to Kathleen Anderson, crisis intervention coordinator at FAS, it takes the average survivor seven to 13 attempts to leave an unsafe relationship. Shared finances, children, or the premise of making the commitment are among the reasons why it is so difficult for victims to leave an unsafe situation.
This begs the question of the role social media plays in the glamorization of toxic love. In just searching “quotes about love” on Pinterest, you are bombarded with hundreds of results. Such quotes read, “If it is real, it will never be over,” and, “When you really care about someone, their happiness matters more than yours.” In theory, these ideas could translate into an epic romance, but we can’t help but wonder if they do more harm than good.
The most important thing is to give unconditional support to someone that is experiencing abuse. Isolating the victim is more of a means for that person to stay in the relationship. “The abuse is always at the feet of the abuser. It is never the survivor’s fault,” said Anderson. It is also crucial to not victim-blame someone for staying in a toxic situation because, as said before, there are so many factors that go into it.
If you do confront a loved one experiencing abuse, it is crucial to do so in a private setting when it is just the two of you—never in front of the abuser. Let them know that you care and you can help if they want your guidance. Everyone deserves to be loved safely, and it is important that we, as a society, strive to end relationship violence.