Your Guide to Gender and Pronouns
Gender and pronouns have been a huge topic of conversation in recent years, especially among young people. It wasn’t that long ago that there were only two boxes you could check: “male” or “female”. The common argument against people who are transgender or have a different gender identity than those just mentioned is that gender is connected to sex. The reality is that they have no correlation, and besides, what does that say about the millions of intersex people around the world? Gender is how you feel and sex refers to your reproductive organs. Despite a largely positive response towards those who deviate from the “norm” (whatever that means), there are many people who still do not understand and many who don’t even want to listen. If you’re reading this, you’re leagues ahead of those who aren’t even trying. It’s okay to not know things - what is important is a willingness to learn.
What are pronouns?
A pronoun is, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, “a word that can function by itself as a noun phrase and that refers either to the participants in the discourse (e.g., I, you ) or to someone or something mentioned elsewhere in the discourse (e.g., she, it, this ).” Basically, pronouns are how we refer to people. It’s important to note that pronouns do NOT equal gender -- if you call someone who identifies as male a “she”, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re calling them a girl -- pronouns are just words, after all.
What are neopronouns?
Neopronouns aren’t very common yet, and are disputed even within the LGBTQIA+ community, but it is still important to understand them if you meet someone who uses them. Anyone can use neopronouns, but oftentimes neurodivergent people feel more comfortable using them, since, according to Elijah, 17, who wrote to The New York Times, “‘Being neurodivergent, you are more likely to have a complicated relationship with your gender identity and expression, and pronouns are just one part of gender expression.’” Examples of neopronouns can be bug/bugself, kitten/kittenself, and a plethora of others. Neopronouns can be limiting -- it’s not the easiest to insert “bug/bugself” in the place of “she” or “they”, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to use them! Just be patient and listen to the person who is using neopronouns, since they are the best resource.
Some Common Pronouns
she/her - mostly used by people who identify as female.
he/him - mostly used by people who identify as male.
they/them - mostly used by people who identify as nonbinary, genderfluid, and gender-noncomforming. The use of they/them pronouns are commonly disputed because some people can’t wrap their heads around using “they” in the singular, even though we do it all the time. They have beautiful eyes. Their shirt is really cute. They’re the nicest, I love them. It’s really quite simple!
She or he/they - this means the person is comfortable with either pronoun, and in most cases, would prefer that you use both interchangeably. Sometimes, people who use both a gendered pronoun (he, she) and a non-gendered pronoun are only called by their gendered pronoun. It’s important to listen to how they refer to themselves, but they will often appreciate it if you use both pronouns.
All pronouns - this one is pretty self explanatory - people who use “any” pronouns are fine with, you guessed it, any pronouns. An example would be: Jennifer loves sandwiches. He eats them every day for lunch. She doesn’t have a favorite, though. Of course, you don’t have to use a different pronoun each time you refer to someone who uses any pronouns, but similarly to he or she/they pronouns, people usually appreciate it when you don’t just use the pronouns that match the closest to the gender you perceive them as - so if they are a feminine-looking person, don’t just use she/her pronouns.
A few selected gender terms to know from www.genderspectrum.org. Their website has a lot of helpful information for further understanding.
Agender - A person who sees themself as not having a gender. Some agender-identified people see themself as being gender neutral, rather than not having any gender, but in any case do not identify with a gender.
Cisgender - Refers to people whose Gender identity aligns with their assigned sex at birth (cis- from Latin, meaning, “on this side [of].” In contrast to trans, from the Latin root meaning “across,” “beyond,” or “on the opposite side [of]”).
FtM - A person who was assigned a female sex at birth and whose gender identity is boy/man.
MtF - A person who was assigned a male sex at birth and whose gender identity is girl/woman.
Gender binary - A system that constructs gender according to two discrete and opposite categories: boy/man and girl/woman. It is important to recognize that both cisgender and Transgender people can have a gender identity that is binary.
Gender fluid - People who have a gender or genders that change. Genderfluid people move between genders, experiencing their gender as something dynamic and changing, rather than static.
Gender expression - This is our “public” gender. How we present our gender in the world and how society, culture, community, and family perceive, interact with, and try to shape our gender. Gender expression is also related to gender roles and how society uses those roles to try to enforce conformity to current gender norms.
Genderqueer - An umbrella term to describe someone who doesn’t identify with conventional gender identities, roles, expression and/or expectations. For some, genderqueer is a Non-binary identification, and for others it is not.
Non-binary - An umbrella term for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine.
Sex - Used to label a person as “male” or “female” (some US states and other countries offer a third option) at birth, this term refers to a person’s external genitalia and internal reproductive organs. When a person is assigned a particular sex at birth, it is often mistakenly assumed that this will equate with their gender; it might, but it might not.
Intersex - Also referred to as Disorders/Differences of Sexual Development. About 1% of children are born with chromosomes, hormones, genitalia and/or other sex characteristics that are not exclusively male or female as defined by the medical establishment in our society. In most cases, these children are at no medical risk, but most are assigned a binary sex identity (male or female) by their doctors and/or families.
Bottom line: even if you don’t understand someone’s pronouns, it is common human decency to respect someone and call them whatever they want. If you want to be an ally to genderqueer and transgender folx, put your pronouns in your Instagram bio - it’s easy. If everyone starts displaying their pronouns, nobody gets singled out, which would make a lot of people much more comfortable. If you mess up someone’s pronouns, misgender someone, or misunderstand something, that is more than okay! Apologize and move on. Be willing to listen to those who know more than you and have lived experience with these issues. That’s all any of us can do.
More resources: https://www.glaad.org, https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth-resources.htm, https://transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-non-binary-people-how-to-be-respectful-and-supportive, https://www.mypronouns.org/.