Coercion vs. Consent

TW: mentions of sexual assault.

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The definition of sexual coercion: “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

When it comes to consent, there should be no gray area. Consent is a “yes” given willingly by all participating parties in a sexual context. The keyword is willingly. If a person says “no” and only finally says “yes” after threats, guilt-tripping or continued begging, their consent was not freely given. Sexual coercion is a form of sexual assault that can appear in many forms. Below are just a few examples of sexual coercion and how it may present itself.

Making you feel like you owe them sex

Let’s make one thing exceedingly clear-- you never owe anyone sex for any reason. Statements like “but you’re my girlfriend/boyfriend” or “but I bought your dinner” are coercion tactics. None of those things matter. Just because you’ve done it with them before or they’ve done nice things for you doesn’t mean that you owe them your body. There shouldn’t be a “but” coming from them after you’ve said “no.” 

Guilt-tripping

Guilt-tripping is when a person attempts to make you feel guilty for not giving them what they want. They could do this by appealing to your emotions with statements like “I guess you don’t really love me,” “I knew I wasn’t good enough for you,” or “you always do this.”  If you were hooking up but decided you didn’t want to go “all the way,” they may make you feel guilty by claiming that you lead them on or calling you a tease for not “following through.” They may make you feel like it’s too late now to back out and say no. Making you feel bad for them so you’ll have sex is coercion.

Making threats/blackmailing

If you only said “yes” because they held something over your head, consent wasn’t freely given. This could look like threatening to tell people that you did it anyways, threatening to hurt you or withhold intimacy if you say no, or threatening to expose secrets/personal information to others. If you’re afraid of what may happen if you say no, then your “yes” was not freely given. This method of intimidation falls under the umbrella of sexual coercion.

Continuing to disrespect your “no” until it turns into a “yes”

This is one of the most common forms of coercion. The conversation should be over once you’ve given your “no.” If they continue to ask and beg over and over until you’re worn down and finally give in, that’s coercion. If you give in to having sex just because you wanted them to stop pestering you, that falls under coercion. This form of coercion is one that many experience, but don’t realize is sexual assault. Again, saying “yes” should be your decision and not something you say solely because you’re sick of fighting them.

Coercion falls under the umbrella of sexual assault, and it’s something that many don’t even recognize because you technically feel as if you gave consent. But, to reiterate, consent only counts if it was given willingly without pressure or being coerced. No means no, not “convince me.”

Resources

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

National Sexual Violence Resource Center: www.nsvrc.org

National Teen Dating Helpline: 1-866-331-9474

More information at www.loveisrespect.org or www.rainn.org