Stepping Away from People-Pleasing
This article is part of our Spring 2022 print issue. See the full, digital version of the issue here.
You’re never going to please everyone, and if you do, there’s something wrong. —Constance Wu
You’ve probably heard the first part of this saying a few different times throughout your life. However, the second part is less commonly known, and yet arguably the most important. This idea might seem controversial, especially to life-long people-pleasers, but recognizing the truthfulness behind it is an essential first step to reclaiming your life.
As with most habits, becoming a people-pleaser might be a slow process. You say yes to going out with your friend. Not because you want to, but because she wants to. You say yes to taking on more at work. You’re already exhausted, but it would make your boss happy. Eventually, you start saying yes to everything, even though you’re screaming no on the inside. This internal voice is silenced over time, as it’s being ignored and pushed away, and that silence is a symbol of something deeper: a loss of identity.
When you people-please, your sense of self-worth becomes determined not by how happy you are, but by other people’s happiness with you. While it may be hard to recognize, this way of living is ultimately self-destructive. You are burying your identity and losing yourself in the process.
College is the time to find yourself. What you believe in. What you want to do with your life. What your values are. By focusing on everyone else, you are wasting valuable time that could be put towards figuring yourself out.
As humans, we love comfort. The comfort of your parents’ approval, even if it means majoring in something you aren’t passionate about. The comfort of your two-year relationship, even if it doesn’t make you happy anymore. What we fail to understand is that sometimes these comforts are, in reality, suffocating. Chasing comfort prevents us from pushing past our unease and uncertainty. The fear of upsetting others holds us captive in an unfulfilling life, and until we can move past it, we remain trapped in the shadow of other people’s wants and needs.
It’s not easy to just wake up one day and decide to stop being a people-pleaser. It’s a hard habit to break, especially since most people grow up thinking that they are expected to make others happy. Especially with young women, it is so difficult to adjust to saying no after saying yes for so long. You’re taught to be pretty so you can be admired. You’re told to be quiet so you don’t seem “annoying” or “controlling.” You learn to smile when you don’t feel like it because you don’t want to appear “stand-offish.” Eventually, you don’t find value in your individuality, but rather in others’ opinions of you.
We fear going against what is expected of us because we’ve been conditioned to answer to others, instead of ourselves. As you begin to step away from this way of life, you are going to make other people uncomfortable. It’s important to keep in mind that it is not your responsibility to make other people comfortable with your life choices. Ultimately, it’s YOUR life. You might outgrow friendships, deal with more conflict and feel lonely. All of these circumstances are signs of growth, and the process is so worth it, despite the pain you might experience along the way.
You are never stuck in a life that you don’t want, whether that be with a major, relationship or job. At any time, you can make the choice to change your circumstances. There is this perception that everyone knows exactly what they want, but this isn’t true. Who we are and what we care about constantly change, and that is perfectly normal. Whatever you do, make sure that these changes are a reflection of you and not the people around you.
The ultimate question you have to ask yourself is, “Who is the most important person in my life?” The answer—every single time—should be a simple “me.” Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, but rather necessary, especially when it comes to creating the life you want. Your future self will thank you when your life reflects your own passions and values instead of everyone else’s.