The Care And Keeping Of You: 10 Years Later
This article is part of our Spring 2022 print issue. See the full, digital version of the issue here.
With careers looming, deadlines growing closer and the first fleeting feeling of love impounding, what no one tells you is that growing pains aren’t just for kids.
There are extreme differences between who you are now and who you were when you were 13. It gets even messier when you look at the changes in who you want to be when you grow up. Let this be the guide for the undergrad, the couple-of-years-post-grad and all those messy, exhilarating years in between.
Working Only 9 to 5
Running on fumes does not equal work-life balance.
Repeat after me: Hustle Culture is Dead. We’ve been taught to become the ultimate yes girl, to swipe right on every opportunity that comes our way. But how can you enjoy the fruits of your own labor if you’re laboring the whole time?
We recognize there’s an inherent privilege in this advice, and this is not a decree to stop working towards your goals or to give up at your job.
We sat down with the freelance designer, podcaster, influencer and Elon alum, Katy Bellotte (@katybellotte), to talk about the damaging toll that comes with saying yes all the time. Bellotte worked in corporate marketing before turning to freelance design and social media creation full-time. She went from having a sign at her desk that read “HUSTLE” to realizing that the glamorization of the workaholic (known collectively as #girlboss) was not sustainable. There was tremendous guilt, she said, for feeling like she was simultaneously working too hard and not working hard enough. She then realized that there was sometimes greater success in just saying no.
“I’m capable, I’m skilled, I’m able to do a lot of different things. I recognize that, but that doesn’t mean I have to do it all the time,” said Bellotte.
There’s no reward for burnout. Recognize that success can be measured over time and not always through speed. It’s important to have fun on the weekdays and to keep your work at work. Go a step further and glamorize your 5-9, or lay in bed until the sun sets. Your 20s, like your tween years, can be full of exploration, promise and discovery. Allow yourself the time to make that happen.
Working yourself to the grind won’t just lead you to burnout—it will also cause your relationships to suffer.
Loving is Easy
All lies.
Songwriters belting about the great loves of their lives must have never been in the body of a 20-something girl. Relationships, from the platonic to the flirtatious, never seem to stay simple.
Let’s change that.
You need to be selfish. Women are often taught to be people-pleasers, to give in because they are worried about the repercussions of their actions. This can show up in the workplace, in friendships and in relationships.
People-pleasing is the conditioned need to seek value and affirmation outside of yourself, and in placing your self-worth in the hands of others, you constantly seek approval elsewhere. This can lead to unhealthy relationships and patterns, where you constantly feel insecure and inadequate.
But the best—and the longest—relationship you will ever have is with yourself. A healthy relationship would never make you sacrifice your standards or boundaries, and if you start to recognize that you consistently buckle under pressure, take a step back.
“Stop and think, ‘Am I saying yes to this because I can do it and I want to do it, or because I want them to be happy with me?’” Bellotte advises.
The idealized romantic trope is that love is uncomplicated and undemanding. There’s an innate sense of understanding that seems to radiate between two people’s eyes every time you turn on the TV. Translated to real life, it promotes the idea that communicating expectations is pushy, not purposeful. No one can read your mind. Friends or significant others can’t anticipate your desires unless you verbalize them.
Striking Out on Your Own
Cheerleading without the pom-poms.
“I feel like you, after college, realize how capable you are,” said Bellotte. “ It’s my feet carrying me into that meeting, my mouth moving and giving ideas, my brain working.”
The hardest thing about growing up might not be leaving the safety net of childhood homes and college towns—it’s realizing that you have to shed any imposter syndrome and become your own advocate. Taking ownership of your life can be difficult, especially when it feels like the whole world is pushing back.
Bellotte said she felt stupid all the time in college, and she still remembers the professors that sought out her failure. It’s so easy to feel like you don’t belong, and that luck is the only thing keeping you at an internship or job.
“For those people who feel that they don’t know enough in their job or like they’re a fish out of water, remember that you have something they don’t,” said Bellotte.
Beyond needing recognition from an outside source, striking out on your own means having the autonomy to make your own choices. Good or bad, you have one person to hold accountable at the end of the day: yourself.
Entering your 20s can be confusing and strange, and it comes with so much more than what you bargained for. But the great part about being so young is that you gain as much as you lose. The Care and Keeping of You is not about how to appear like you have it all from the outside. It’s not about how to win over others or learn new party tricks. It’s about caring enough for the deepest parts of yourself so that everything else shines through.