The Perfectionist Predicament
“I’m such a perfectionist.” You’ve heard it. You might have even said it, but have you ever considered what it means to be a perfectionist?
Perfectionism, according to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, is “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.” The issue with this fixation on flawlessness is that “perfect” simply doesn’t exist. When holding yourself to impossibly high standards, you are constantly setting yourself up for disappointment. This disappointment translates into how you view yourself, which can be detrimental to your mental and emotional health.
There have been hundreds of studies regarding the link between perfectionism and mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety and eating disorders. In this modern age of social media, the number of perfectionists has significantly increased. Constantly exposed to people’s “perfect” lives on Instagram and Tik Tok, it’s difficult to accept who you are as you are, and that’s understandable. Trying to “fix” yourself or your life through perfectionism, however, establishes unhealthy thought patterns and beliefs.
You might be thinking: What’s wrong with striving to do my best? I’m not a perfectionist. I’m just a hard worker. It’s important to differentiate between trying your best and trying to be perfect. You can figure out which one you’re doing based on your mindset. With a growth mindset, people work towards their goals, and when facing setbacks and challenges, they persevere. They are confident in their abilities, and they keep pushing themselves. On the other hand, with a fixed mindset, people cannot cope with failure. They might believe that if they’re not amazing at something right away, it’s not worth doing. This leads to easily giving up, procrastinating, or not even attempting something because you don’t know if you’ll be perfect at it. As you can see, this type of mindset, common in perfectionists, holds you back from success. The best things in your life will not always come easily. There will be upsets, and there will be failures. As Brené Brown, a famous researcher and lecturer, said, “If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fail.” Living a meaningful life and chasing your dreams takes courage, and this is scary—especially if you believe perfection is the answer to all of your problems.
In reality, perfectionism perpetuates the idea that you’re not good enough as you are. As you overcompensate for this feeling of inadequacy and push yourself to accomplish unachievable goals, the dangerous cycle continues. So…can we stop this. If we can, how?
The first step is understanding that perfect doesn’t exist. It’s a myth. Your best is good enough. Sometimes, just getting that homework assignment done is all you can do. You can’t control every single aspect of your life. You must accept that life just happens, especially in college.
Life is uncontrollable and sometimes uncomfortable. It’s important to practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, not just when you succeed, but when you fail too, especially then. Don’t hold yourself to an impossible standard. Treat yourself as you treat your family or your friends. Would you expect your best friend to be perfect ALL of the time? You wouldn’t; it’s exhausting.
Focus on the positives every single day. Think about all of the things that you have to be grateful for and everything that is going right in your life. As you begin to focus on these things, you will naturally start to appreciate the good instead of focusing on your shortcomings. Celebrate your accomplishments, even the smallest ones. When you fail, remember that it’s just a necessary part of life and carry on. Life isn’t supposed to be perfect, and as soon as you accept this, you will become a lot more satisfied with who and where you are.
Further Reads:
The Gifts of Imperfection (by Brené Brown)
How to Be an Imperfectionist: The New Way to Self-Acceptance, Fearless Living, and Freedom from Perfectionism (by Stephen Guise)
Get Out of Your Own Way (by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg)