Confessions of a Frat House Thief

Coming to you LIVE from a beloved frat house bathroom full of miscellaneous items. Do you think they’ll ever know something went missing? Who even lives here? Every college student has experienced this moment right before they potentially decide to pick up a pretty average bottle of Old Spice and pocket it. The item may not be profitable, but it’s the memories that matter.

Imagine an average Sunday morning rolls around— countless fraternity house owners wake up missing their toothbrush, cologne or maybe even some cups and plates from their kitchen.

The professionals know it's the collection of little victories that make you a master. You know you’ve made it when you’re making Kraft mac and cheese out of a bowl taken from a frat house.

The big question is why? Is it the thrill, the adrenaline or maybe the internalized kleptomania? Anyone in their right mind might think twice before taking something that doesn't belong to them. But pretty much everyone at one of these theft-worthy functions is feeling a lot of courage, to say the least. You imagine the scene playing out like something out of Oceans 8— like a heist movie— and the thought is exciting. But then reality sits in and you realize that waking up tomorrow with a dirty toothbrush or maybe even a pokemon card in your pocket will not make you better than anyone else that also went to that party.

Everyone has at least SAID they have done it, but it’s still a very secret society. Nobody will speak publicly about what they might have done while left to their own devices in a frat house.

Interestingly enough, the most common things that have been said to be stolen are bathroom products, from fragrances to the occasional toothbrush. None of these things are ever then used by the thief; they are put on display like a trophy. The bathroom is also the only place in a frat house where you have the potential to be alone. Who doesn’t go to the bathroom with their friends on a night out? But that could also be the perfect time for a triple kill, as all three of you take an item, shove it deep in your pocket or up your shirt- get creative. Then make a run for the door.

There’s logical reasoning for these hypothetical events. There are ways to release the same kind of serotonin and dopamine without trying to commit a crime. Yoga is a great way to destress, while you’re focusing on your inner chi, you will forget all about wanting to steal that apple from the top of a frat house fridge. Exercise is also a way to release some stress and dopamine. While exercising, you’ll be staying healthy and also building up some stamina so you can dance a little longer and steal a little less at a frat. Do something outside of your comfort zone. Go rock climbing, cliff diving or something else adventurous to give you that same feeling of excitement and fear.

The concept itself is very interesting. Why do we do what we do? Especially a tiny but true crime? Something about the fact that it’s a frat house makes it seem as though the rules don't apply in this situation. But it’s important to remember that this is still a crime.

This is a satirical and analytical piece. We at The Edge do not condone the act of stealing from anywhere, including a frat house.