I'm Not Sorry

Walking too close to someone on the way to class, taking a little too long to run up to the door someone’s holding for you, reaching for a fork at the dining hall at the same time — all minuscule slip-ups, right? Yet “sorry” always seems to slip out for all of the above. 

Have you noticed how our instinct is to apologize for the slightest mess-ups or day-to-day interactions? And if you’re constantly in a mindset of guilt and apology, what is that doing to you and your confidence subconsciously? Well, we’ll tell you.

According to the Child Mind Institute, one of the reasons girls so frequently use apologetic language is because it “feels more polite.” And while guys and girls alike tend to over-apologize, a study of college-aged men and women found that women reported offering more apologies than men and committing more of what they considered to be “offenses.”

The apology list doesn’t stop at minor inconveniences. Think about how often you apologize after correcting someone, even though you’re in the right. Or maybe you raise your hand in class, only to say, “Sorry if this is a stupid question, but…” What does that say about your confidence? Own your stance or question without an apology. 

In the book “The Power of an Apology,” psychotherapist and author Beverly Engel compares over-apologizing to over-complimenting in that while the intention is often to come across as a kind or caring person, “you’re actually sending the message that you lack confidence and are ineffectual.”

And the evidence doesn’t stop there. A study in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that participants who didn’t express this type of remorse for scenarios displayed greater self-esteem and feelings of power. 

Now, this doesn’t mean that avoiding apologies makes you any less empathetic or a “good person.” Rather, you’re saving your apologies for when you need to really mean it, not wasting them on little day-to-day slip-ups. 

Over-apologizing takes the meaning out of “sorry” when it should be saved for the true mess-ups where an apology is due. If “sorry” comes out of your mouth 10 plus times a day for every minor inconvenience, do you mean it when you need to? 

Most of these incidents we apologize for are so minor, yet “sorry” pops out like a reflex. Why apologize for accidentally walking too close to someone? We all have the same sidewalk. Next time, ditch the apology and use that accidental run-in as a moment to just smile or say “Hey!” Instead of dipping into an apologetic mindset, own it. You’re doing yourself and your self-confidence a favor. 

So do you agree or disagree? We’d love to hear your thoughts either way. Tag or DM us @theedgemag on Instagram.