The Funny Thing About Labels
I’ve always been known to be a detailed oriented person; I crave legitimacy. Whether it be with my everyday life or my love life, I find great comfort in knowing where I stand and why.
In fact, those labels that most people find unnecessary, the ones that involve the “are we gonna put a label on it” conversation, are ones I find carry great significance, especially in how they establish expectations and boundaries.
As a gay man, I’m encouraged to use dating apps to seek out other partners. While straight men can safely assume, more often than not, that a female is straight, it’s hard for gay men to do the same. Be it out of shyness or the simple fact that I would hate to assume wrong, I resort to apps to find others around me.
A study done at Grab Him states that 71% of gay men find long-term love on dating apps. Yet, these apps create expectations. Apps that are specifically geared toward gay men, like Grindr, create an environment in which long-term relationships are not realistic nor wanted; they prevent labels from being instituted out of fear or disgust.
After using the apps for a couple years, I felt that I no longer could find a relationship to call my own. I was so used to either being let down or turned off by how simple minded other men could be about being more than just something casual. Yet, I did manage to find one. One that convinced me that something more serious could be possible.
We talked for months and went on numerous dates. After each encounter and goodnight text, I fell harder and harder, and as I fell, the emotional walls that I had built up for myself fell with me. After a while, the infamous and dreaded word was said — love.
I initiated the conversation that would put my mind at ease — “So, what are we? And, what will we be?” I didn’t get the answer I wanted. Yet, I also didn't get the answer I didn’t want. We were caught in the middle of two things with no way out but to wait.
Time passed and nothing really changed, not even my anxiety about the situation. I felt powerless — unable to control something so substantial and important in my life. I still loved him but without a label it felt muddled. I didn’t know what was expected of me or what would be considered to be out of line.
That’s the funny thing about labels. When others label us we feel outraged, misunderstood in the eyes of others. Yet, when we put labels on things, they can help us understand better; they serve as roadmaps, guidelines for how we should act and behave towards others.
I was scrolling through the Cosmopolitan snapstory one day and a story about “situationships” came up. I read the story and immediately my jaw dropped. The amount of parallels I found with my own experience and the story were uncanny. I saw myself in the author and what she was feeling. Finally, my feelings and experiences were legitimized -- I wasn’t alone.
A situationship can be defined as something teetering between a hook-up or LTR (long-term relationship). It lacks boundaries and is created by neglecting to define what the relationship is over time. As the assumptions and ambiguity seem to increase, so does anxiety and stress.
As someone who finds solace in labels, I find situationships to be extremely frustrating. It’s almost as if people are so caught up in their busy lives or are too hesitant to be open with each other. Being open and vulnerable is important in relationships because it establishes a sense of mutual respect and compassion.
Technology has ruined our ability to communicate honestly and openly face-to-face, greatly affecting how we involve ourselves in relationships with those around us.
With dating apps being at the center of relationships nowadays, it’s beginning to get harder and harder to cipher through our feelings and have genuine conversations about how we feel towards others. Even in everyday conversation I find myself wishing that I could just send a text from a distance instead of having to confront someone in person.
Despite it all, I still talk to him because I still love him and care about him. Do I wish we were something more? All the time. However, I learned a lot about myself and what I want from others. The moral of the story is to be honest with yourself and the people you choose to surround yourself with. Be open and most importantly, be selfish for what you want.
Maybe if I had been more honest about how I wanted to be in a “true” relationship, there wouldn’t be any confusion now. Or, maybe that’s how relationships are nowadays. Although, I sure hope that’s not the case.